Motormouth: GTI not gangsta enough for me

Published by on . Updated on 30 Jun 2024

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Volkswagen’s signature hot-hatch didn’t turn me into a tattooed Asian-European gangster driver behind the wheel.

The VW Golf GTI, specifically the Mk 5 version, didn’t power me from puberty to liberty in one turbocharged swoop, because two Italian pocket rockets had already done so — Uno Turbo and Punto GT.

The two Fiats were true espresso driving machines, because I really needed strong coffee sometimes to cope with the mental/mechanical stress of driving like an Italian nut job.

Then I tried the German pocket rocket which was the Mk 5 Golf GTI. It was quite a disappointment, because it didn’t turn me into an Asian-European gangster driver who ate bratwurst for breakfast. 

Overnight, my hair colour didn’t change mysteriously from black to blond. Turbo-themed tattoos didn't appear magically on my arms and legs. My English didn’t degenerate into broken boyracer lingo, with a few German swear words added to my vocabulary for dramatic effect.

Most disappointing of all, whenever I looked in the rear view mirror of the GTI, I didn’t see Miss Universe Philippines hopefuls in hot pursuit, desperate to ride beside me in the speedy European sports car.

How I wished the VW GTI was gangsta to the bone, straight from the showroom. How I hoped my gangster-driver street cred was boosted by the turbo hot hatch.

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